Creating a Safe Space for Children to Express Big Feelings

We often wish our homes could be islands of calm, where everyone speaks in hushed tones and disagreements are settled with a polite handshake. But reality is rarely so quiet. Children are naturally full of intense, raw emotions. One minute they are soaring with joy, and the next, they are crashing into frustration or anger. It can be exhausting to witness, yet it is entirely normal.

Your role isn’t to silence these storms but to build a shelter where they can be weathered safely.

Validation is the First Step

When a child is screaming because their toast is cut the wrong way, it is easy to dismiss it as silly. To an adult, it is just bread; to a tired or overwhelmed child, it is the final straw. Instead of rushing to fix the problem or telling them to “calm down,” try simply acknowledging the distress.

You might say, “I can see you are really frustrated that the toast is triangles instead of squares.” It sounds simple, but it is powerful. You aren’t agreeing that the toast shape is a tragedy; you are agreeing that their feelings about it are real. For children you might foster with Fosterplus, who may have experienced significant upheaval, this validation is crucial. It signals that you see them and you are not frightened by their anger or sadness.

Co-Regulation Over Self-Regulation

We frequently expect children to control their outbursts, but their brains are still under construction. They often physically cannot calm down alone. They need you to lend them your calm. This is called co-regulation.

If you stay steady when they are spinning out of control, you act as an anchor. This doesn’t mean you have to be a robot. It is okay to take a deep breath yourself. If you are fostering, you might find that a child pushes buttons you didn’t know you had. That is okay too. By modelling how you handle your own stress perhaps by saying, “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed, so I’m going to make a cup of tea and take a moment”, you teach them a valuable life skill without a single lecture.

Set Boundaries with Kindness

Creating a safe space doesn’t mean accepting unsafe behaviour. Feelings are always acceptable; actions are not always. A child is allowed to be furious at their sibling, but they are not allowed to hit them.
You can hold this boundary firmly while still being warm. You might say, “It is okay to be angry, but I won’t let you hurt your brother. I am going to help you stop.” This distinction is vital. It separates the child’s identity from their behaviour. They learn that they are not “bad” for having big feelings, they just need help managing how those feelings come out.

Building this kind of environment takes time. It is a slow process of laying bricks, one supportive conversation at a time. There will be days when you get it wrong, and days when patience runs thin. That is part of being human. What matters is the repair, and coming back later to say sorry and reconnect. By doing so, you show the children in your care that your relationship is strong enough to handle the messy parts of life, ensuring they feel safe enough to be exactly who they are.